How to Be an Alpha Male in a Relationship
Working on your character and applying the philosophy of an alpha male requires effort, no doubt. But many men believe that once they get the girl they want, everything will be smooth and easy. I want to challenge this idea and say that a man must always maintain the “alpha level” with which he enters a relationship, if not raise it. You have to remember that you’re the man in the relationship from its beginning onward, and you’re expected to behave as such. In this article I will explain exactly how.
The Danger of Habit
First it’s important that we understand what causes men to leave the alpha approach and over time become “doormats” in a relationship.
1. All that Glitters Isn’t Gold
It’s well known that when something isn’t within our reach, we tend to attribute it prestige and increase its value in our eyes. This logic is also very true for women.
Have you ever wondered why so many men undervalue the amazing relationship and stunning girlfriend they have? Celebrities who destroy relationships with the most desirable women in the world?
The truth is that it’s very difficult not to take things for granted. I’m sure there were too many times in your life when you were extremely rude to your parents and regretted it. Of course, it didn’t stop you from being selfish again after a while. This is the blessing and curse of the human race: we get used emotionally to every situation – given enough time.
That is why I always tell men to get out of the illusion that a beautiful girlfriend will bring some kind of salvation from their problems. She won’t. If you tend to be nervous or depressed – you’ll be like that with or without a model girlfriend.
Therefore, when men do get the beautiful girl they wanted for so long, they realize their life hasn’t suddenly become much better, causing them to lose interest in the girl and in working on the system relationship with her.
2. Comfort Kills
You probably know the saying “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. It’s important that you know, this idea also works in a different way: If you aren’t challenged – you’re weakened.
Hitting on girls requires courage, talking to them requires energy, maintaining an alpha character requires perseverance. These and others are all challenges, and facing them strengthens you and makes you a more attractive, dominant man.
In most relationships today, men don’t have a clear interest in trying to maintain their status. They already have a girlfriend, and they get their satisfaction regularly from her. This convenience is dangerous to your status. Lack of stimulation and challenge slowly turns you into a doormat.
3. The Need for Novelty
The natural tendency of human men is for polygamy (research), multiple romantic partners. Over time, as much as it’s unpleasant for the modern person to hear, men get bored with their only partner. We are genetically wired to seek as many different, attractive women as possible to spread our genes. Needless to say, this desire is problematic for monogamous relationships in most of the developed world.
From Alpha to Doormat
All the reasons I just mentioned contribute to the decline of men’s desire to improve themselves and maintain their status when in relationships. As a result, their status sinks in an unnoticeable slowness, to a point which I call, as you saw, a “doormat”.
In such a situation, not only will the girlfriend no longer be attracted to such a man (and will probably leave him long before), it will also be difficult for him to meet new girls because he’s already an absolute beta.
If you want to keep your relationships healthy and function as an alpha male over time in monogamy, read on.
You’re Not Defined by the Relationship
Couples have a tendency to see themselves as a single unit after a certain period of time. To illustrate what I mean, try and remember all the couples on Facebook that, after the wedding (and sometimes only after dating for a while), have joined profiles / accounts. They are now, at-least in terms of Facebook, a single person.
The digital realm only expresses a deeper, quieter feeling in relationships. Recall yourself before the relationship, you were just [your name]. For many men, personal status has changed along with the romantic status, and they see themselves and their partner as one unit. Now they are an identity, a family – one body.
The Danger of Losing Personal Identity
What makes a man attractive in the first place? Where’s the line drawn between the alpha and the beta male? Simple: in how much he needs versus how much he is needed. A man with means (social, communicational, financial, etc.) is a man of high status, no question at all. He has a huge advantage in the game of attraction.
Over time in relationships, men tend to lose their self, the definitions that distinguish them as [name]. Imagine having a beer with a friend you haven’t seen in years and you ask him what he likes to do. You find that all his answers are completely dependent on his girlfriend: “Watch a movie with my girlfriend” / “Traveling with my girlfriend” / “Going out to restaurants with…” etc. Does this seem healthy?
To illustrate the problem well, ask yourself what will happen to this guy if they’d one day separate? When his whole life is invested and so deeply involved with the girl and in the relationship, he’s left with nothing! All this time he needed the relationship and the girl in every area of his life and even his identity.
Even before the separation, the girl feels this dependence on her, and if you’re a regular reader here, you already know how much of a beta quality it is, that makes a man completely unattractive. After all, one of the reasons they became a couple in the first place was that the girl was attracted to his character, preferences and individual identity. What did she have left of the interesting and independent man who had simply become a mere side of a relationship? A breakup can be well understood.
Have a Life Outside the Relationship
Self, even though you are in a relationship, is crucial to the health of your status and, ironically, relationship. A strong and dominant man is someone who has a life that doesn’t depend on the partner. If you don’t have one, create one. Here are some ideas:
- Regularly meeting friends. The most common situation in losing self-identity is getting away from friends. On the other hand, it’s also the easiest to correct. It’s time to send a message to your friends group (if you’re still a part of it) and let everyone know that on a certain day of the week you’ll all meet up for beer and PlayStation, or pizza and snooker.
Do what you can to revive your extra relationships that aren’t within the realm of romance. A week later, do it again until they get used to it and it’ll become your routine.
Remember: You’re a part of the lives of many people, not just of one woman.
- Time for hobbies. When men lose their self-identity in a relationship, they sacrifice their personal leisure time for more hours with their partner. Sometimes they both want it, sometimes it’s only of her
Either way, you must remember that there’s a reason for which you started these hobbies. They’ve done you good, apparently. They let you express yourself, get better, involved, professional, focused and successful – lots of words that scream “alpha”.
Neglecting them means neglecting a huge part of what makes you unique and creative. Give your hobbies a place in your life. Not only will you become sexier, you’ll also recall why you enjoyed doing the hobby in the first place and bring more fun to your daily life.
- Learn something new. One of the troubles in relationships is the constant intellectual clash between two minds that do not further develop on their own. When you two met for the first few times, the spark between you wasn’t only because of looks. The interesting exchanges and communication made the experience fascinating enough that you decided to become a couple.
Your minds like to tease and know the other mind a little better over time. But truth be told – we are humans and very limited. Our mind isn’t infinite, and ideas, stories and thoughts begin to repeat themselves.
My suggestion to you is to start learning something new and interesting, like dancing, language, philosophy, cooking, nutrition, etc. Bring your mind back to a path of change and learning – and begin to see the world in a new light. To some extent, you add a new layer to your personality.
Of course there’s no point in learning with your partner, otherwise you won’t create a new personal interest, but another commonality. Enter the world of learning alone and grow by yourself. It’s healthy for the relationship and for the life that might come after it.
- Family quality time. The logic is very similar to strengthening the connection with your friends, but here there’s another thing: virtue. I think you should give more attention to your parents, especially if your time together has been reduced by your relationship. They deserve it, and it’s a little unfair that the people who raised you lose you just like that.
- Isolation. Outside of a relationship, men tend to have more time alone. It isn’t always nice, but loneliness often leads to reflection and observation on your life. The result of all these thoughts when you’re alone is focus.
Have you ever felt an unexplained suffocation by the company of people? Just wanting to be alone and think? These moments are underrated yet vital for focusing you on all sorts of important questions. A kind of psychological reboot. For example, wondering about your goals in life, your feelings lately, whether you’re good enough and other philosophical stuff.
Usually after such retreats, men feel set, balanced, focused – as if they had found their sense of self. There are those who call it the “male cave,” to which a male goes to get away from the noise and think.
I recommend that you spend some time, every once in a while, to be alone for a few quiet hours. I tend to feel refreshed, motivated and focused after isolating myself. Just me and my thoughts. Try it.
Loss of self-identity damages the relationship and makes you a dependent and boring man – but the bigger difficulty is when the relationship suddenly ends. And the vast majority of relationships end. I don’t care how much you are in love and good together – the odds are against you. That’s why you must have a psychological safety net. Do not put all the eggs in one basket, as they say. Your family, friends, hobbies, and work can save you in time of crisis – don’t you dare neglect them. Keep them in a completely separate part from the relationship.
A Woman Doesn’t Want a Partner – But a Leader
It’s easy today to get the impression that a man-to-woman relationship is a combination of identical forces that go for a common goal. Do not fall for this modern belief, the truth is a little less egalitarian.
The Need for a Strong Figure Never Ends
In order to attract beautiful women, a man must exhibit qualities that are perceived by them as a symbol of status and power. These qualities give them a sense of security, and they subconsciously assume that they and their shared offspring will be safe under the protection of the alpha male. One of these qualities is control and leadership – the man’s ability to make informed decisions and implement them for his own good and for the good of his environment.
In the ancient world, the discourse on the protection of women by men was open and clear to all. Although today our world is technically working differently (muscles are no longer important, for example), but our psyche still plays by rules of the past. A woman is still drawn to a man who looks strong, and also wants a mate who will be the main leader of this relationship.
You probably know that most women prefer that the man decides where to eat, where to go and on which day. They find decisiveness attractive, mostly for the above reason. In most of the developed world today, relationships between men and women seem symmetrical: Both man and woman financially support the household, care for the children, cook, etc. There is a sense of absolute equality, and whether it’s true or not – on the emotional level, women haven’t changed along with modernity. Most women still want the dominant man who somewhat controls them. Being in a relationship in the 21st century for some time dulls our senses as men, and it’s easy to fall into the illusion that your girl wants you as a partner and not as a caring boss.
There are two words that I want you to remember when you begin to rebuild your male authority in the relationship.
- Initiative. Suggest to your girl or, even better, simply take her somewhere or do something new and spontaneous without consulting her in advance.
- Decisiveness. Even when it’s the initiative of both of you, you’re expected to decide on all the other things (time, place, plan, etc.). Even if you’re not going out, you want to do things on your own initiative without self-doubt and without her counseling.
You want to treat “going out” as first dates with her. You take full responsibility for everything. If it really has been a long time since you last initiated something fun, here are some ideas:
- Holiday. Fly somewhere. There are so many destinations, and you’ve certainly never been to all of the most interesting places in the world. Low-cost flights recently changed the game so that with sensible planning, this can be quite a small expense.
If you’re not sure where to fly, I’ve found a great app that helps you make a good decision. You choose the type of trip that suits you, the budget, max flight hours and more, and the app offers the best destinations for you.
Everything is so easy today – take advantage of it and renew your relationship with a great vacation.
- Amusement Park. A light and cheap solution. Recover some childishness and vitality in your relationship with colors, laughter and lots of screaming.
- Romantic dinner. An impressive restaurant is an elegant way to bring back romance to your eyes, especially when you initiate the idea out of nowhere.
Now, if you’re going to restaurants regularly, consider cooking and organizing an amazing meal at home, just you and her. Surprise her, treat her like a lady, even if it gets really funny. Initiative is the name of the game.
- Dance class. The worse dancers you are, the better. You’re going to laugh a lot during and after the lesson.
It doesn’t really matter what you do and what you initiate – just initiate. The main idea is to make a decision and go for it. You want to feel in control and she wants to feel that you’re in control. Do not spare her this feeling. Because, even years after – she’s still a woman who wants a real man in her life.
Thank – But Not Her
A great way to stay fresh in a relationship (and many other areas of life) is to know how good things are and to be grateful for it. Who to thank? God, the universe, nature – whoever / whatever you feel indebted to for all the abundance in your life. With true, sincere thanks from the heart, it’s difficult to neglect relationships, and you feel the need to continue strengthening your bond by preserving and improving your status as a man.
Sorry if this part sounds too spiritual, it really is. Still, this is a tested, working method. When you think and thank for all the good you have – like your relationship – you must look at the situation from above, outside of the ordinary abundant life, and examine your situation as an outsider. When you live an entire life with a first-person observation, it’s hard to see the whole picture. After a brief period in our lives, we tend to take things and people for granted.
Why Not Thank Her?
Of course, I’m not talking about basic politeness in everyday life, where moderate niceness is healthy. Still, you don’t want to thank her on the macro level. For instance, to thank her for the wonderful life you have because she exists in them. There are two reasons for this:
- An impression of weakness. Remember we talked about how important it is for a woman to know that her man has other options in terms of work, hobbies and especially romantic partners? When you thank her for her presence in your life and how she completes it, she may get the feeling that you desperately need her.
- She has interest. Her presence with you isn’t by grace. No relationship exists where a women’s with a man out of pity or even compromise. Women always date a man they think is worth more than them – economic, socially, etc. So it makes no sense to thank her globally (“Thank you for being in my life”).
Imagine a small company that Apple agrees to make a deal with. How strange it would be if Apple’s president turned to this wretched company and said “a thousands thanks for agreeing to do business with us”, right? It would be absurd.
The alpha male always remembers that the girls with him choose to be in his presence. It’s a very worthwhile deal for them. Thanking women, sends them a signal that says: “Maybe you do me a favor and I’m not as good as you thought”.
Okay, I see how you raise an eyebrow and say I’m exaggerating. And you’re right, thanking her once in a long while won’t really hurt your status in her eyes – but I think the “risk”, in this case, is greater than the benefit.
You must feel like I’m ruining the romance here, but think of it this way: If a good friend suddenly comes to you and throws out of nowhere “Listen, I’m so glad you’re in my life and choose to be my friend. Thank you!” I’m sure you will appreciate his openness and sensitivity, but you’ll also feel that the guy’s just… a little desperate. And you’re a man – you don’t have the biological need to find people with high status, so the class radar in your body is relatively weak. Women, on the other hand, smell weakness from afar and react accordingly.
For these reasons, I would certainly refrain from thanking her, and turn my gratitude to a meta-physical factor.
You Can Always Leave
Theory aside, it’s very hard to be independent when you lack the courage and willingness to leave as soon as the relationship doesn’t suit your desires. Here are a few reasons why men become so dependent over time in relationships:
- Less communication with girls. Just like playing sports and music, a man who doesn’t communicate with girls regularly loses skill. In relationships, this is a very common situation. The fact that a man receives satisfaction from one girl, and perhaps also the jealousy in the relationship, impairs the willingness to speak with women freely and regularly. Over time, a man finds himself communicating with only one girl: his partner.
Thus a new fear is born: the fear of going out into the world without the skills required to attract girls. Thus the man becomes more dependent on the relationship and makes efforts to cling to it, sometimes against all odds.
- Fear of losing an investment. A relationship is a process of building, perseverance, devotion and a very deep emotional bond. It’s difficult to be in a successful relationship for a long time and not feel the terrible loss when it’s over. As if the time, the money, and the amazing friendship had gone down the drain. Like there was nothing. The fear of reaching such a loss holds men in imaginary chains that are connected to the foot of the relationship. They will absorb a lot of crap until they agree to admit that the situation isn’t good for them. This is a common dependence that’s hard shake off.
- Distance from friends and family. We’ve already talked about men’s tendency to stay away from their relatives and friends when they enter a relationship. Beyond the argument about virtue (a little ugly behavior toward those people), there’s the problem of focusing on a single person – the romantic partner. The fear of being alone in the world (because other relationships in the man’s life weren’t nurtured all this time) desperately holds men into the relationship at all costs.
The Option of Leaving is Liberating
A man’s ability to easily walk out from a relationship he disliked is a tremendous power that most men don’t possess. You want to reach a state where you allow yourself to leave without unnecessary fights, and that your partner well understands this.
Of course the intention isn’t threatening and creating a tense atmosphere – it’s easy to get confused here. The intention is to be in a place where you’re completely not dependent. Where leaving the relationship will be frustrating, yet won’t break you to pieces, socially or emotionally. Always aspire to be in a strong position:
- There are other girls who want you.
- You have good friends who support you.
- You have a strong bond with your family.
- You have hobbies to occupy you.
- You have a clear personal identity, which isn’t defined by the relationship.
If you stick to the principles I’ve presented throughout the article, you probably won’t be in a situation where you’re too dependent on the relationship. If you already feel dependent and you’re afraid to leave, start cultivating the other sectors of your life that don’t overlap with the relationship in any way. This way you can allow yourself to leave a relationship without falling into a never-ending emotional abyss, and as a result communicate confidence, dominance and independence in the existing relationship and strengthen it. A little ironic, but extremely powerful.
I opened the article by presenting the factors that make a relationship tedious and boring, and hurt your motivation to remain high-status throughout it.
From there I carefully reviewed the dangers of losing your self-identity in a long-term relationship, as we tend to see with so many couples. I presented methods with which a man can maintain or regain the identity he had before entering a relationship. Mainly by activities that are unrelated and don’t involve your partner. You must remember that a man isn’t just a romantic partner, but much more than that – a friend, brother, son, colleague, student, “that sexy guy with a girlfriend” and more. Men who devote their full time to a specific girl get themselves into a mess and trouble, during the relationship and especially when it ends.
I went on to the common mistake in our generation to think that women want an egalitarian and symmetrical relationship. It’s easy to fall into this thought, of course, with the changes in gender perceptions of recent generations and with all the noise in the media on the subject. But no, men in and out of relationships are still expected to be decisive and initiate. The comfort of a relationship makes people forget what’s expected of them (for example, men don’t take command, women don’t watch their weight, etc.), and it’s important to reset, to remember that we haven’t changed much biologically. Even after a long time, both of humanity and of the relationship – a girl still expects her man to demonstrate alpha qualities.
Then I suggested that you take a few moments every once in a while and thank for your life and how good they are, with an emphasis on the relationship and the girl in your life. Thanking sheds new light on life and reminds us that the abundance we experience isn’t to be taken for granted. This, with a reluctance to thank the partner directly, and I explained the reasons why this is often a bad idea.
Finally, it was important you’d understand the tremendous power of your ability to leave a relationship that doesn’t fit you. There’s a tremendous psychological and social difficulty in leaving a relationship on which you’ve invested so much time, money and emotion. But if you pay attention to the warnings of this article and apply the advice I give, you will probably always be a man with other options, and leaving a relationship will definitely be a possibility for you. Amusingly, this is exactly what makes your bond stronger and healthier. You’re not desperate, and the girl feels it no less than you do. This is the direction you want to go for.
Good luck in your relationships. I’m sure that now you have the tools to keep them fresh and fun with your character as a strong, dominant man – even after a very long time of being a couple.