How to Get a Quality Girlfriend
This is a broad question, but if I had to answer it in a few words, I’d tell you not to rush to find a girlfriend at all. Most men try to get a girl because it’s expected of them to have one. They find themselves in an unhealthy and unsatisfying relationship. With a focused approach, you’ll automatically attract good girls. Let’s go into details of exactly how to do it.
Forget About Getting a Girlfriend – Do This Instead
I saw that many sources on the web say you should forget about getting a girlfriend, and unlike most cases, it’s actually pretty good advice and I agree. If you are an alpha male (the kind of man that almost every woman wants in a romantic way), who has ambition, a clear purpose, something he’s really into and a generally good life – why does he need a girlfriend at all?
True, many dominant men have a girlfriend, even most of them I would say. But it’s not that they need one, it’s because they want one. There’s a huge difference here.
You’re Not Desperate
Imagine that in recent months you’ve developed a curiosity for guitars. You start playing on your father’s old acoustic guitar, and you already feel ready to move on to an electric guitar. Every day on your way home you pass by a guitar store and you really want to buy your first electric, but they’re all too expensive for your budget. Will this ruin your day? Will you feel generally not good enough until you have one? Of course not. You’re an adult, things like that are not supposed to affect you so much.
Then why do so many men actually think in this kind of pattern when it comes to a girlfriend? Why when it’s a woman you suddenly need one? Conclusion: You don’t. Maybe you feel like you do (because of peer pressure, libido), but you really don’t.
A Girlfriend Changes Nothing
With the example on the guitar I wanted to illustrate how unimportant it is whether you have or don’t have a girlfriend. The presence of a woman in your life really does not change anything in its quality. You certainly know both unhappy bachelors and unhappy couples. There is no law of nature.
And before you remember the study of higher happiness in couples, don’t forget that a correlation doesn’t equal causation. It’s very likely that happy people just manage to get into a relationship and keep it intact. In fact, this is the point of all this part.
Peer Pressure – is Something Wrong with Me?
Everyone around you has a girlfriend (or at least those who aren’t nerds) and the fact that you don’t drives you crazy. Are you more ugly or stupid (both?) than everyone? I have good news for you – there’s a high chance you’re not, and maybe even the opposite.
I suspect you’re a bit more intelligent than average. Men who find it difficult to get a girlfriend are usually like that. I’m not saying this to comfort you, but to wake you up: Extremely often, couples are not really as happy as they present themselves in public or on social media. It’s an illusion. Why do they do it? Because they’ve entered the relationship for the wrong reasons. And most of the time, the number one reason is, how ironic, peer pressure. So they have to keep up the persona, you know? “The Show Must Go On”.
Yes, of course not everyone is like that and I have no doubt that there are happy couples around you. The point is that you must remember that a girlfriend is not a turning point of endless joy in your life. It’s so incorrect and I really want to shove it in your head! People who are positive, strong and happy, will be so whether they are in a relationship or single.
Libido – I Need It
Biological, natural, understandable. I don’t argue with your urges, but really – a girlfriend? For this? In this blog I don’t encourage visiting the dirty parts of the web, but if you feel desperate for a girl, dammit dude – use your hand and go crazy. Improve the experience with lubricants, candles, whatever turns you on, if you need an extra kick.
The last thing you want to be is the in need of a woman. There’s nothing that keeps girls away from a man more than neediness. I try to think of the lesser of two evils here – use the Internet as much as you need, just shake off the idea that a girlfriend will “redeem you” in some way. Not going to happen. Only after you’ve internalized the fact that you don’t need any girl, it’ll be worth trying to get a girlfriend.
Get Used Talking to Girls
Men tend to underestimate the importance of small talk with a women they don’t find attractive. For them it’s a “waste of time”. But suddenly when it comes to simple conversations with beautiful women, they find themselves speechless.
Talk to All of Them
Even if you don’t find her attractive, it’s important that you talk with her. With any girl in any acceptable situation. You’ll be surprised how easy it becomes for you to talk with beautiful girls over time, even though most of the girls you talk with are not that pretty. Great reasons to talk to every girl:
- Developing a habit. The most successful and popular hosts of talk shows are very social people, some of the best conversationalists in the world. If you watch some “behind the scenes” of these shows, you will notice how much they talk with their team, their cameramen, sometimes even with the audience. It’s not that they’re bored or need company, obviously. It’s to enter a talkative mood. For humans, it’s almost impossible to change the mood we are in at the push of a button, on demand. It requires a process – warming up, if you like.
When they make seemingly unnecessary conversations with their surroundings, they prepare their emotional state for sociability, openness, sharing and discussion. Why do most of us have zero mood for talk in the morning? Because we haven’t talked or communicated with anyone for at least 8 hours. We need company to get out of the state of loneliness and silence that sleep has brought us into, to “sober up” and move to a “social state”.
If you start talking with everyone around you, especially women, you’ll automatically start to develop a habit. This will make it easier for you to communicate with everyone. And in general, I’m sure you will simply feel better overall.
- Learn women’s thought patterns. By communicating with every woman without your filtering, you will quickly and inevitably talk to a lot of women. As you do, you will begin to notice things they say, why they say them, when it happens and what they really mean.
Think about it for a moment. You want to know how to get a good, quality girlfriend, you seek a treasure. To be familiar with the thought patterns of the average woman, is to have knowledge that’s like a treasure map. This map will allow you to not only say the “right thing at the right time” but also filter out girls who do not suit you in terms of character.
Lots of men don’t know how to do it, they can’t see the map they’re playing on. Even if they somehow manage to get a girlfriend, what are the chances of her being someone who’s good for them?
Regular dialogue with women means understanding the female brain – what makes her laugh, what irritates her, and so on. Critical information, if you wish to attract a good woman to your life.
- Social network. By talking to all these women, you necessarily create new relationships. Both strong and weak. The stronger bonds tend to create familiarity with other women you didn’t know before. That is, more experience and more opportunities for a potential girlfriend. About half of the girls I dated, including my current girlfriend, I got to know through a female acquaintance, which I wasn’t interested in.
As you can see, these conversations create a social network for the simple reason that these women now trust you more than when you were anonymous to them.
- Gossip about you. Don’t see it as necessarily a bad thing. Most of the gossip in the world is about the strongest and most desirable people. Think celebrities, presidents and so on.
When you start talking to many girls, the social network you create (which I talked about a moment ago) will not produce just positive relationships and connections to girls. It can give rise to ugly discussions about you, an endless preoccupation with what you said to whom, what they think of it, how rude you are, and so forth. It’s also possible that the obsessive preoccupation with you (after all, how many straight men speak freely with so many women?) will generate a positive dialogue. This depends on the environment in which you are in and what you communicate. You are kind of a “mini-celebrity”, which even if he has a slightly bad reputation, the very fact that you talk to a girl in the same environment, is already a “wow!”. Did somebody say alpha? And all you did was simply talking with them all. Amazing.
Where Do You Get a Girlfriend?
Look, I can give you a list of places where there are girls, even quality ones, that you can hit on. But I don’t like it. You knows what? Here it is:
- Coffee shops.
- Educational institutions.
- Grocery stores / supermarket.
I have a problem with this approach. I don’t think there’s much point in sending you to these places in hopes of finding a girlfriend. The reasons:
- There are girls simply everywhere, they make up more than half of the human population. I don’t want to limit your thought.
- Going to a location specifically to find a girlfriend is possible, but don’t feel that’s a little desperate?
It’s a Bad Idea
Really, I see guides online, poorly written articles about where you can find a girlfriend. Some have reasonable suggestions (things like avoiding the gym because girls there are defensive), but at the same time, when you’re “sent” to some location with potential girls (a park, for example), you can’t simply approach one and make conversation, because she’ll probably ask what are you doing here. What’s your answer? “I’m looking for a girlfriend”? Boom – desperate. Serious turnoff.
These Internet sources have found a solution – act like you came to do something entirely different. For example, to play the ball, and fabricate a story that friends ditched on you. Impersonate and lie – a great way to start a relationship with someone…
My friend, if you can’t find someone to go out with in your everyday environment, don’t expect miracles from stranger women in public places.
But There Aren’t Any Girls Around in My Everyday Life
Oh, that’s a different matter. If you work in an isolated place or surrounded by men and women who are not in your age group, then yes, you should definitely use the list of places above, and find a girlfriend there.
But as I said, there’s a cache here: it’s very hard to do without feeling desperate, and without being seen as such. And let’s be honest – it really is a bit desperate. Not necessarily because you’re a beta who lacks options, no. But because that practically speaking, you don’t have many girls around you. This is how your everyday is and there is nothing to blame you for.
And yet, you are definitely desperate and must get out of this scarcity. To do this, I have a wonderful suggestion: Take your friends and go to all kinds of places, including those on the list. You will automatically feel that you have a different purpose (not “looking for a girlfriend”) for which you are there. Although you will be surrounded by girls and can hit on them – but first and foremost, you “go out with friends”, which is completely true. So much better than lying to girls in the park, is it not?
How to Approach Girls?
There are two main approaches (no pun intended):
- Direct approach.
- Indirect approach.
Simple and fast. You go to a girl, tell her that you like her, and that you want to go out with her out on a date. Many girls appreciate this directness and associate it, quite rightly, to high self-confidence.
I really like this approach, it’s so honest and authentic! It feels like nothing can be more powerful. But this is only my preference, and there are certainly situations in which the indirect approach will be more appropriate and successful. Two drawbacks of the direct approach are:
- You don’t know this girl yet and you already try and schedule a date? Be careful with this.
- The girl doesn’t know you at all, and she could immediately refuse only because she didn’t get the chance to see what you’re about.
This is how most men start a conversation with a girl they like – bring up a subject to create conversation and general introduction. From there, if there’s a connection and the girl seems interested, you can schedule a date.
This is a good approach if you are not a particularly handsome guy. This is an opportunity to present your value in other places areas such as humor, knowledge, dominance and more. Of course, this approach also has its drawbacks:
- Things get stuck because the girl responds well, and men become too cautious in conversation so they won’t ruin their progress with her.
- Because of the platonic nature of the conversation, men completely avoid romantic subjects, and many girls will categorize them as insecure.
The Right Approach
You don’t have to commit to any approach, let your mood and personality determine at that moment. If you need some rule of thumb, remember that handsome men have an advantage in direct approach. For men who should compensate their appearance with charisma and character, it’s better to go with the indirect approach and build a successful communication first.
By the way, the advantage of handsome men is purely initial – their beauty doesn’t do a lot from the first date onward. The character of alpha male is the name of the game for all men. Here’s a neat table on both approaches:
|Approach||Pros||Cons||Best for whom?|
|Direct||– Communicates high self-confidence.
– Feels very authentic to both sides.
|– Possible date with a complete stranger.
– Girl might refuse only because she had no opportunity to know you.
|Handsome, externally impressive men|
|Indirect||– Gives the girl time to realize what’s going on.
– Opportunity to demonstrate attractive personality.
|-Girl might see this indirectness as insecurity.
– Guys get stuck on safe subjects to not ruin their progress.
|Less handsome men|
Quickly Show Intentions
One of the biggest mistakes a lot of men do is not telling the girl what they really want. Always careful not to say that they’re attracted to her. Their logic is that they have to build the connection a little more and improve their chances for “the moment of truth”.
Truth is, the opposite is correct. The (reasonably) sooner you tell her your intentions, the better it is for both of you. The girl is probably not stupid, she knew from the moment you two met what you probably want. I don’t know what her answer might be, but one thing is certain – she expects you to say it already. She doesn’t like the tension (unless she takes advantage of you) and as time goes on, the more she will see you as insecure. Your chances are dropping, not going up.
I sinned against this when I was 17, and I wasted more than a year and a half on this one girl who used me exactly like I’ve presented myself – as a friend. I could’ve saved so much time and a lot of dealing with nonsense if I were to simply tell her what I want, accept her “no” and move on.
My suggestion is that you learn from my mistake and not fall into this stupid trap. You got know her? Did you get the impression she wasn’t crazy? Schedule a date right away – there’s no point in waiting.
Don’t Compromise – You Want a Good Girlfriend
As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, a girlfriends does not make your life better. The essence of alpha male is minimal dependence, especially when it comes to women. When this concept is hardwired in your mind, you can filter out girls who are interested in you and do want to be your girlfriend.
You now come from a different place: choosing, not seeking. When you have the right character, girls will simply find their way to you, and you’ll see – I assure you -how easy it is to get a girlfriend. What’s not easy is getting a good one.
Filter Girls Out
The idea of a “good girlfriend” isn’t carved in stone, but I assume you have basic expectations from the girl you go out with. Things such as loyalty, compassion, humor, good mood and more. Here, on the other hand, are a few signs to notice in a girl and move away from if necessary.
- Drama Queen. I think this is the most common personality issue girls have today. If you recognize in a potential-girlfriend the constant need to make a big deal out of everything, to find reasons for fights, to turn a joke into a serious offence at all costs and so on – stay away.
Do yourself a favor and don’t enter into a romantic relationship with such girls, and if you’re already in such a relationship – think well about a future with such a woman. The most familiar excuse for men in such a situation is “it’ll get better”. Sorry, but in most cases it really doesn’t happen. You see, a woman has no interest in making a change in her personality. She has already got a man and he “loves her as she is”. If so, what would push her to try hard and change, exactly?
- Lack of integrity. Yes, it sounds obvious, but the problem is that men have a very extreme picture of women’s disloyalty (such as betrayal, cheating), and they miss the early signs.
When I went on the first date with my girlfriend, I scheduled two weeks before, because that’s the soonest she was available. From my (and many others’) experience with women, they can easily cancel at the last minute even if you scheduled two days before. Sorry, did I say “cancel”? More like “simply not show up”. Women do things like that, a lot. Sometimes with a poor excuse of “I fell asleep” or “I forgot” in a childish, sweet voice. My girlfriend was ready on the day and time we agreed on. I was very impressed, and over time I saw that it wasn’t only a “beginning of the relationship” kind of thing. She’s just like that – responsible, reliable.
Girls who learn that it’s completely legitimate to never show up to a meeting will continue to do as they please with bigger, more important commitments – marriage and children, for example.
If she seems unreliable or irresponsible enough to keep her word – even in those little things – you have no bright future with such a woman.
- Obsessive use of social media. Unlike the two previous types of girls, I don’t think this is a serious problem. Still, you read these things because you want a “good girlfriend”, and from what I’ve seen and recognized, girls who “live” in Instagram, for example, tend to be less like what you’re looking for.
They are very public, and that’s fine. But I wonder if you really want a girl who’s busy a few of hours a day in taking the perfect selfie for Instagram.
From my own experience, these girls tend to have weaker interpersonal skills, and even if someone is an exception, we know that the mere presence of a smartphone may impair the quality of our communication. This may be an exaggeration, but it’s important you take this into account.
Identify Good Girls
Just as you should pay attention to certain features in girls that are not suitable for you, it’s also important not to miss the features of quality girls, to try to make things work.
In the following list I present features that I think are decent indicators for a good girl. There is no guarantee here, and obviously there are exceptions.
- She has a hobby. I’m not talking about social media, of course. An activity that fills her emotionally. One she finds herself immersed in, only for the sake of fun, challenge or creation.
A common hobby among girls is painting. I love this example more than dancing, singing, etc. (also totally legitimate hobbies) because painting is a hobby that doesn’t require personal exposure. You see, most girls today, when they have “hobbies”, it’s usually another attempt to show their bodies in public and attract attention. I don’t say that every dancer and singer is like that, of course not. But there’s a clear overlap between dancing, singing and attempts to get attention using the body. That’s in complete contrast to painting or photography, in which the focus is on external products, and the audience’s eyes aren’t fixed on the creator.
Back to the point – a hobby is very welcome. Dancing, singing and acting as well. Just look for girls who do something other than taking pictures of their butts with their phone.
- Book reading. Sounds a little cliché, yes. But think about it: In a world of instant gratification, it’s hard to find people who make an effort to learn or experience something. Reading a book is exactly such an action.
Reading requires more patience than watching a video (well done, dude). Patience is a critical quality of a “good woman”, and one that usually points to other decent traits. I deliberately didn’t mention the possibility that the girl was smarter because of reading. Some academically-smart women also read books in that context, but it’s different – here it’s an academic obligation to pass tests and find a profitable job. Of course this isn’t bad, but certainly not the essence of reading for fun.
- Moderation. Almost always, the more balanced, moderate people are happier and smarter. The kind you want permanently in your environment and as a girlfriend.
Extremism is the polar sides of a range. Unwise people tend to be extreme on almost any subject. The reason is that they don’t consider the other side of the equation. Call it ignorance or narrow-mindedness, the important thing is that these are difficult people to have a balanced and healthy relationship with. Their tendency for extremity destroys bonds, and sometimes it’s hard to notice. When you are already in relationship with a person and he is doing an extreme act that you don’t like, many times the person will compensate you in a radical way, and that feels good.
Think of a man who cheated on his wife and, to make it up to her, buys a diamond ring at an exorbitant price. Both behaviors are extreme, but it’s hard to get angry when an extreme is in your favor. It’s a honey trap.
Try to spot signs of mildness in a girl. Things like being able to see the other side or opinion, despite not agreeing with it.
An example of something she might say: “I can’t believe my best friend was blew me off! But it’s hard to criticize her, she’s had problems with her boyfriend recently”. The ability to look at a subject from several angles is reserved for intelligent people, even when it’s against their immediate emotions. Definitely a great sign in a girl.
When you find girls with these qualities, try not to “overdo it” from fear that she will go. Never act out of fear in the dating world. It’s weak. Girls feel this easily and stay away. Always try to have a mindset of abundance – “There’s more than enough out there”.
Make It Work
People ask themselves, right after entering a relationship, “How do I keep it working?”. And once in this kind of issues, the answer is fairly simple: You do what you did to get in the relationship in the first place. Some changes here and there, yes. Trips abroad, bigger presents etc. But in principle, it’s doing things together and be who you were at the dating phase. It may sound simple, but it won’t an exaggeration to say that 95% of couples fail on this. After a few weeks or months, the flame goes down.
It’s not surprising. At the beginning of a relationship, both sides show the best of their personality, in order to charm the other and turn the relationship status from “dating” to “couple”. When this goal is achieved, the Illusion of Permanence is created – the feeling that our status is official, so my level of commitment in the relationship can drop, without losing my partner.
Both sexes sin and fall into the same illusion. Truth is that there’s no real permanence, not while dating, not while in a friendship. Men and women, at least in most parts of the world, can get out of a relationship that does not satisfy them. Like it or not – competition and effort continue even after you are officially a couple.
The way I look at it, the very need to continue to giving your best in a relationship is excellent. The fact that there’s always competition over your girl’s heart is also good for you. Not comfortable – but good.
There’s logic here: if there was no competition against you, you had less drive to improve, to prove yourself and your masculinity, to be even more alpha. Those who don’t strive to go up, almost always go down. Just like a muscle: if you don’t train it, and don’t eat enough protein – it will decrease in size and weaken. It doesn’t care how much you’ve trained and fed it in the past – it needs attention from you now!
Your girlfriend is a constant opportunity to practice and improve communication with a woman, take advantage of it. Become more than yourself, maintain and strengthen your relationship. Not only will you beat the competition, it will also significantly improve the quality of the existing relationship.
Here’s a list of the benefits in making an effort and doing your best even when you two become a couple.
- Keeps you an alpha male and you’ll only get better in strengthening this persona.
- The competition over your girlfriend (that is, other men)’ will have no chance – you function in top condition all the time.
- Your relationship becomes stronger and more satisfying over time.
- You become more alpha and the competition over you grows by other girls. Your girlfriend must keep her appearance up, behave well and be her best version all the time in order to keep you hers.
To get a good girlfriend you must not be in need of one. For some people this idea sounds contradictory, but it really isn’t. When you destroy all neediness within yourself, you become a potential partner in the eyes of women. Otherwise, your chances of finding a quality girl are zero.
I presented at the beginning of the article a number of ways in which you can do it, and the approach which you should internalize as a strong man. Once you no longer need a woman, you can approach and talk with them.
My suggestion is, instead of talking with girls who attract you, talk to every girl. There’s a huge amount of advantages in this lack of selection. I’ve listed the main ones, such as understanding girls from the dialogue with them, or creating a social network with a lot of girls within and around your environment.
We went on to places where pretty girls might be present, and whether you should go to these places especially to find a girlfriend. My answer is “no,” and I gave solutions to those who have girls around them and those who are completely isolated from them in their everyday life.
After we solved the issue of womanly presence, I presented you with the two kinds of approaches you can use when hitting on a girl. We’ve seen the pros and cons of each approach, plus usage suggestions based on your appearance.
At that point I warned you that it’s crucial to inform the girl relatively early in the conversation about your intentions – or you might be perceived as insecure. I shared a personal story in hopes that you’d learn from it.
When the difficult part is behind you, and you’re no longer seeking, but filtering – we could talk about the meaning of “a good girlfriend.” What kind of features and behaviors should alarm you, and which are a sign to press-on towards a relationship.
Finally we got to the trap at the end of the tunnel – The Illusion of Permanence. The habit. I gave excellent reasons to continue treating the relationship as if it were your first dates ever, and how everyone benefits from it: you, her and the relationship itself.
I hope this guide has given you all the tools you need to get yourself a good, pretty girlfriend. One that an alpha male would be glad to have.