How to Talk to Girls – Even If You’re Shy
It’s not easy for a man to approach and talk perfectly freely with a girl he likes, especially if she’s not a stranger to him and he’ll probably meet her again. I want to show you how to ease your shyness of talking with women, and even how to use it as a great tool. You will quickly start talking to girls as an alpha male, and in the process you will also become one.
Everybody is Shy
This is an important point, and no one’s talking about it. There’s no such thing as a person who’s not shy. Everyone is. But most people, simply have techniques to disguise this shyness.
How “small talk” was born, in your opinion? Strangers are embarrassed of being close to each other without making a sound or conversing, so people began to look for topics to talk about, like the weather – all to get rid of the silence and camouflage their embarrassment.
Quite ironic, I’d say. Shy people (that is, who have no techniques) see small talk as open and nonchalant behavior. But, as you’ve seen, it’s mostly created out of unpleasantness. That’s why there is no small talk between good friends. They feel comfortable enough with each other to shut up sometimes.
Everyone is Shy – Even Girls
It sounds obvious, but when you stand in front of a girl and seek the right words, it’s easy to forget that she might be in a similar position. Understanding that both of you are on the same boat makes your life easier – you’re not the only one who feels stressed a bit.
Try to remember that in context of girls who are more beautiful than average, who don’t seem shy at all. True, they may not really feel a bit of shyness, but take advantage of this doubt and choose to believe that they are embarrassed. So even if you’re wrong, you won’t know. In any case you will approach with greater confidence by the thought that you are both in the same position.
What’s the Worst That Could Happen?
Always try to think of a reasonable extremity, and you’ll realize there’s nothing to really hold you back. For example, what’s the worst thing that could happen if you go and talk to her? She’ll ignore you completely and everyone will laugh at you. Imagining it? Great. Now ask yourself if you agree to this deal. I’m sure that in most cases you will say, “Yes – it’s a profitable deal“.
Strange, how does it work? Well, we’re scared to death of the unknown. The meaning of walking and talking to a girl is to put yourself in a situation where your control is limited. There’s no telling what will happen – a slap on your face? Marriage plus 3 children and a dog? Real friendship? The lack of knowledge paralyzes us in fear, and we can seem to find the courage to act.
The trick is to know the realistic boundaries – what is the most extreme thing that could happen in reality? When we answer this question, the fear of the unknown is gone – because the situation is already “known”. You understand very well what the worst case is, so the ‘deal’ becomes clearer and you feel safe to go for it. No small letters and no surprises for the worse.
Now there’s no wonder you didn’t have the courage beforehand – would you agree to sign a contract that you don’t understand well enough? Of course not.
In this simple process of thinking, you actually define what can go wrong – and usually, it’s not so bad. In addition, knowing that the odds are in your favor greatly influences your drive to approach. The chance of coming out of this alright is really high – because the worst case almost never happens.
But What Do I Say?
You ask the wrong question. It doesn’t matter much what you say, as long as you say it confidently. As long as the atmosphere is fun and amusing. You know how easy conversations seem to be between people – do you think they’re trying hard to think about things to say? Are the subjects are clever and fascinating? Obviously not. It’s all a matter of vibe, expressing what you think and feel nonchalantly and letting the conversation roll on its own.
Think about children – they do no pre-preparation, no thinking long before they blurt out what comes to mind, and get along fine. We haven’t changed much since then.
How Do I Start a Conversation?
I hope you’ve internalized, first of all, the principle that the topic of conversation is not important. From this point, I’m going to give you some general ideas to approach with (“opening lines”, if you wish), and I want you to let the conversation flow freely, without planning on.
- The Weather. Oldest trick in the book. I love it because it’s so consciously engraved as an easy and pleasant conversation starter, that it feels almost parodic when someone begins a conversation like that.
The weather has taken its place as a small talk starter probably because it’s a factor that is cut-off from the people speaking. No one is responsible or guilty of it, it’s completely neutral. If the weather is beautiful – great, now we will notice it and feel good. If it’s gloomy, we will agree on this and find a common ground.
- Situational. A more general one, but that’s the advantage in it. Approaching a girl with a reaction to the situation in which both of you are at that moment. For example, while standing in line, you can turn to a girl and say, “One hell of a line, huh?”. Or say in the middle of a concert to the girl next to you “They came energetic today”.
The trick is to find a trigger of identification or argument that will get an initial response out of her, and the conversation will begin.
- Compliment. The most common method used by men today. Still, not bad at all. Seek to compliment a girl about something you really This is not supposed to be a problem – after all, she is attractive, right?
Now, her reaction might not give enough material to work with, because it could amount to a simple “thank you”. So be prepared to add some other comment which will encourage a fruitful conversation, like a deeper question about what you just complimented about. For example, with a shirt: “Where did you buy it?”. Or with eye color: “Does everyone in your family has this color?”. And so on with every subject.
Of course, don’t be an idiot: If what attracted you to talk to her is her impressive chest, it’s a little out-of-place to flatter on it, no matter how beautiful it is. Find something else. If it’s that important to you, you can compliment about her chest when you get to know her a little better.
- Question. Starting conversation with a girl using a question is a quick way to grab her attention and enter a conversation.
Just note that girls usually won’t realize immediately that you’re building a friendly conversation here (as opposed to other methods). They will remain less communicative and closed, because in their perspective they only need to give you an answer and move on with their lives. So don’t be surprised if after you got your answer and try to lead a conversation, you still encounter coldness. She didn’t understand that you were creating a real conversation, and didn’t open up yet.
- Note. Creating conversation by commenting about something, correcting or warning a girl. She may thank you, argue with you or ignore you angrily.
This is the approach with the lowest chance for positive responses. Nevertheless, I remind it because if you did succeed in creating mutual interaction – the girl will usually be more interested in you, generally speaking.
The logic here lies in the novelty you offer with your comment – she’s so used to receiving compliments, stupid questions, etc. Suddenly someone comes and challenges her, tells her that something she’s doing is wrong. It irritates and lights her up at the same time, because who knows – perhaps this is a dominant, powerful man, for a change?
Law number one regarding these methods is: Do not analyze how profound or meaningful these statements are, because they probably aren’t. These are just stupid ideas to give you inspiration, they aren’t genius. The main goal is getting into a conversation, an interaction. Girls understand this, and play along (they enjoy talking, big surprise).
Don’t forget that absolutely no girl will look back at the end of a conversation with a cool, dominant, interesting man and think: “So close. A shame he started the conversation by commenting on the weather…” and moves on in disappointment. No girl (or any person) cares how the conversation started, as far as she’s concerned, you can bump your heads in the street and bleed – the important thing is that the conversation that was born of it was fun and engaging.
What If She Won’t Respond Well?
True, you can always encounter a girl who’s disgruntled or emotionally crippled, and experience a roaring silence for your friendliness. So what? These things happen. Move on with your life and remember that she’s the problem, not you. After all, how can you blame someone whose only sin was to be sociable and to speak? You don’t need such negativity in your life, and it’s better to discover it as soon as possible and leave.
Conversation with New Women
If you think that learning conversational techniques, practicing in front of a mirror and watching your body language will guarantee your success in the moment of a conversation with a beautiful girl – I have news for you. “Experience brings wisdom” – this should be your mantra. You must approach and converse with any possible girl, even for two sentences, in order to get yourself accustomed to opening your mouth naturally.
Why You Suck at This
The main reason that people’s communication abilities are so bad today is the shrinking need for people. Notice that over the past few years, our dependence on people around us has been getting smaller and smaller. Here are some simple examples:
- Directions. In the past, to understand how to get to a wedding in an unfamiliar place, we had to call people, get a map, argue on the way, stop and ask passersby, etc. Today it’s easier thanks to GPS and Waze. A person can reach places he didn’t know exist without exchanging a single word with anyone.
- General knowledge. Trivia was another way to open our mouths and impress those around, argue about the truthfulness of facts and be impressed of each other. Google took this place in our lives, and a discussion about “How many people are there in the world?” will not last more than 5 seconds before someone draws out a phone with the answer.
- Help. Our technical, physical or psychological difficulties were an excellent reason to communicate with other people to get help, advice or just a sympathetic ear. Today the entire Internet is recruited to help us solve the problems that arise in our lives. Even people with mental difficulties such as depression find some relief in YouTube videos with practical advice, support and understanding of an anonymous person.
There are many other examples. The technological world made our lives easier and more comfortable. But as a result we are more independent – and more isolated. The solutions to most of the questions and difficulties in our lives are in our hands, and no longer in the environment. As a result, we talk to fewer people in total. Our communicative abilities are skills, meaning they require training to become good.
Why do you think a geek was once so associated with computers? It’s not that he is “smart”, there have always been smart people. This is because geeks found the solutions to their questions and difficulties on the Internet before everyone else, and didn’t develop their interpersonal abilities like the rest of the population.
Today, when the Internet is in everyone’s pocket and we know how to use it, there’s a growing number of “geeks”. The general population becomes less and less skilled in interpersonal communication. That’s why I’m pushing you to talk to people (especially women) as much as possible. You must act and develop your conversational abilities.
An attractive girl is automatically high status, socially. When we talk to people with a high status, we tend to weigh our words, get insecure and generally behave unnaturally.
So for now, try talking to women you’re not attracted to. Even talk with old women if talking to young is still difficult for you to. Over time you will gain confidence and a habit of starting conversation even if you don’t think about anything at the moment.
From there I’m convinced that you will feel comfortable talking to more attractive women. I elaborate on the benefits and methods of talking with every woman in the complete guide to get a good girlfriend. The part of “Get Used Talking to Girls” will help you make conversation with your entire female environment and make things tremendously easier for you.
Techniques for Great Conversation
We’ve reached the heart of interpersonal communication, what happens in the conversation itself. As a rule of thumb, I always suggest being yourself, without trying to make a special impression or to direct the conversation in a forced manner. It’s more disturbing than helping. And yet, it’s still important to teach you methods and approaches that will make your interactions more fun. For you and for the girl.
Try to imagine yourself as the interlocutor you wish to be, a few moments before you meet with people or a girl. What are your feelings at that moment? You want to aim for lightness, positivity, sociability – minimum thought for what to actually say. It’s the vibe, not the words. Always remember that.
By imagining the conversation, how you’ll respond, what kind of body language and facial expressions you’ll have – you will gain you a sense of alertness. Are you familiar with the opposite case? When you’re not “ready for company” and suddenly, for example, people visit? Most men don’t function at their best when surprised by company. Take this concept a step further and visualize the success of the upcoming interaction.
Remember: You’re Not Supposed to Entertain or Interest
Your presence in a conversation doesn’t require you to do anything more than minimum acknowledgement of people. You don’t have to be the most funny, interesting, curious, supportive person people have ever met. There are 2 problems with such efforts:
- People generally feel that a behavior is forced or exaggerated.
- Taking responsibility for a conversation means putting a lot of pressure on you, and as a shy guy – it’s the last thing you need.
Focus on being present, nothing more for now. If the conversation doesn’t go perfectly, isn’t interesting enough – it’s fine. You don’t have exclusive responsibility for the conversation. This job is always for at least 2 people, and if things don’t go smoothly as expected, don’t feel bad. There are reasons that aren’t your fault: tiredness, a bad day, or simply no chemistry. No need to force anything.
Forget the term “awkward silence”. It’s awkward only if you see it as such. Silences can be wonderful in many moments, they contain a lot of information that men tend to miss.
With girls, for example, when do you think the moments of “romantic look in the eyes” are created? Of the understanding that there’s a click here that goes beyond fun and laughter? In the quiet moments, of course.
If you’re not at this stage of the communication yet, and these silences are really embarrassing for you, my trick is to simply comment on the embarrassing silence. It always works and breaks the ice. The advantage is doubled because from this point, whenever things get silent, we both automatically laugh.
Forget About What to Say – Listen and Know
Many people have a habit of preparing the next thing they’ll say after the other person finishes talking. There are two problems with this behavior:
- You’re not listening and your response may not be relevant to the discussion.
- You’re not authentic, it’s unfair to the other person that expects an honest and spontaneous response.
I suggest you give up the preparation. Listen carefully to the girl in front of you, and in the vast majority of cases you will have a decent question or response regarding what you’ve heard. That’s how communication works, no cheating.
Everyone knows there’s power in eye contact. This is also exactly why people avoid altogether or overdo eye contact during a conversation.
Too little eye contact implies lack of interest or shyness. In extreme cases, the feeling created in people is that they speaks to an autistic person.
Excessive eye contact (like a constant fixation on the interlocutor) creates pressure. A little like questioning a criminal. Even if you smiles and create a light atmosphere with the things you say – people who get a constant gaze to their eyes are stressed and very uncomfortable.
Having a hard time finding a natural balance? Aim for about 70% eye contact throughout the conversation.
By the way, you’ll notice it’s easier for you to listen and find words when you’re not looking people in the eye. Take advantage of this, just don’t completely rely on it – a conversation with zero eye contact is terribly uncomfortable.
Tastefully trolling people in conversation. Not a technique that suits very shy people, I think. But if you feel capable of keeping a reasonable conversation with people, you should definitely add some spice to your conversations. This will make things much more fun, refreshing and funny.
Try to find strange things the girl says and tease her with them. Most girls really like it in men. I’ll give you an example. A girl tells you a story: “Listen, I needed to wake my brother up and he didn’t…” and then interrupt her boldly, “Why would you wake your brother up?” and before she can respond, you continue: “What do you care if he sleeps? Are you this type of girl? Is that how it’ll be when we’re married?”. Her facial expression from your questions is a great sight in itself. And if you use the right tone and amount, you take the conversation to a level that almost all men will never get to.
Not only did you create humor and lightness – you created closeness. Such teasing is the type of communication that only people with a general comfortability do, such as siblings, couples, good friends, etc. Carefully using this technique on strangers is an excellent way to raise the interaction to a level of deep familiarity and freer communication.
Shyness is Your Best Tool
Most shy people make great efforts to hide their shyness. I want to present you with a different approach that will make your life and interactions easier: confessing. If you’re afraid or embarrassed to start a conversation with a girl, my suggestion to you is to approach her and tell her, plain and simple, what you feel. It can go like this:
- “You’re really beautiful, my legs simply brought me here”
- “If I say nonsense it’s just because you look great and I got confused”
- “I have to admit I’m a bit shy, so be easy on me here”
- “Sometimes I’m a bit nervous with new people, do you have this feeling too?”
These examples are pure gold. I’m not exaggerating. When you go and say exactly what your sentiments are, not only will you feel great relief and freedom – the person you’re talking to will also feel it, and appreciate you for the vulnerability you showed.
Because in the end, we are all vulnerable. Only a few of us choose to admit it and trust the person before us to understand. This is a more real and powerful communication than any “smooth conversation” you see around, I promise you.
Being able to open-up with authenticity about your weaknesses, will generally make the other person feel comfortable doing so as well. You will see people who were an iron wall of confidence on the outside, become as human and sensitive as you are.
True, you will not be the most attractive figure when you’re apologetic about your shyness, I won’t lie to you. But over time, you will begin to see the real nature of people, and gain experience and confidence in your interactions with them, until the stage in which saying you’re shy will be a bold lie.
From that point forward, creating a lively, fun and attractive conversation – an alpha male kind of conversation – is a walk in the park. The way is paved for you thanks to the authenticity you displayed. All this will happen to you, ironically, because you’ve experienced difficulty. Yet you chose to raise it to the surface with sincerity, which is so rare nowadays. Revealing your shyness is precisely what will cure it.
I chose to discuss the term “shy” at first, and to make a point that no one talks about: Everyone is shy to some degree. People are simply good at covering these feelings by different behaviors and actions. Small-talk is one of them. I didn’t exclude girls in this generalization. Whether the girl you want to talk to is shy or not, it doesn’t matter – you’d better assume she is, and interact with a sense of mutual worth.
I have suggested you always imagine an extreme vision of yourself in the worst case that could happen from starting a conversation. When we replace the unknown with the known (the worst case), we feel much safer to seal the deal. To go talk with her, and “risk” something that probably will never happen.
Later I gave you some ideas for openers with which you can start a simple conversation with everyone, including the pros and cons of them when it comes to girls. I made sure you won’t take seriously girls who don’t like your positive attitude. You have to move on when you encounter meaningless negativity from women. Just remember they exist.
To get you experience and hone your communication skills, I suggested that you talk to any girl you meet. In the street, in shops, at work, in school. Seek reasons (using the previous section of the article) to start a conversation and let it roll. You will see very quickly how the reactions you create become more positive. Because like with everything you practice on – you improve.
I also explained why you are so shy in the first place, and not communicative as you’d like to be. In one sentence: technology makes life easy for us, and communication with people becomes unnecessary in many aspects of our lives. So a lot of people today aren’t as good at interpersonal communication as people were before the Internet took over.
Then I reached the heart of the article where I gave you some practical techniques for a more “correct” conversation: preparation, eye contact, listening and more. Conversation should be natural, so it’s crucial you don’t give techniques more credit than they deserve – they are mere tools. Experience is what will get you results, first and foremost – there are no shortcuts here.
In conclusion, I made a particularly powerful point: Your shyness can be a tremendous tool that will leverage your communication bigtime. By admitting shyness in front of people, you reveal a very vulnerable side in you. People deeply appreciate such honesty, and tend to open up as a result. This is a paved way for meaningful and more authentic conversations with people around you.
I hope I’ve been able to give you a real boost in this article. I want you to apply everything you’ve learned here, otherwise it’s worthless. Take advantage of this knowledge in real life as much as possible, and see how you improve at incredible speed. And if you feel you need more information, this blog is always here for you. Do not let shyness stop you from being an alpha. You can definitely do it. I wish you great conversations.