5 Essential Qualities in an Alpha Male
In order to become an alpha man, it is crucial to understand what an alpha man is made of. What are his qualities, what he believes in, what his priorities are, etc. After many years of reading, learning, experiencing, failing and succeeding, I made a short and comprehensive list of features that are all the difference between a regular beta male who disappears in the crowd (at best); and an attractive, strong and engaging man – a real alpha male.
I chose to start this list with integrity as one of the features of the alpha male because it contains so much meaning, so many derivative features – therefore it is critical that it’ll be the first thing that you, the reader, remembers when you learn how to live as an alpha man.
Integrity in its simple meaning is to be faithful. I’m not necessarily talking about loyalty to your spouse, family and friends. It means first and foremost loyalty to yourself. As Cliché as it sounds – there’s nothing more “alpha” than being true to what you feel, think and believe.
Integrity for Yourself
If you’ve read a little about the features of an alpha man on the web, you will notice that the “shopping list” for becoming an alpha man is enormous (and amusingly, some are even written by women). The simple truth is that integrity is the parent of all those qualities. And if you think about it for a moment, you’ll see that it’s true. Consider, for example, a feature that everyone would agree to as an “alpha feature”: to not tolerate walking all over you. True, you can work on this specific layer, and notice when people hurt you somehow and practice your ability to respond accordingly – but that is the beauty of a person who has integrity – he doesn’t have to think about these things, because his integrity speaks. Everything is done automatically.
If I am a man of integrity, and I feel my dignity trampled – I respond. Why? Because if I did not, I would have severely damaged my integrity towards myself. After all, my feelings went out of homeostasis (borrowed from biology, a natural balance the body tries to maintain) when I felt hurt. Lack of self-integrity will lie to yourself that it’s okay, it’s a one-time thing, maybe I deserve this and so on – when our common sense says exactly the opposite. Another example is the permission that you give yourself to laugh and make others laugh. Most people do not laugh much because they hold themselves back, stopping their natural response due to all kinds of obscure social reasons and excuses.
A man who has integrity is a man that’s loyal to his primal feelings (which for some reason we lost a little after childhood), such as the need to express joy, laugh and play. People recognize this lightness and ease as authenticity. Especially because they know it from within themselves. When you allow those feelings to be expressed, it gives others the freedom to feel that way as well (that’s why it’s so easy to laugh right after someone laughs first). And beyond getting respect for your integrity, you also score for making people around you smile and feel free.
If so, a reaction means “my feelings ARE important”, and every time we practice integrity, this principle grows stronger within our minds – creating a positive loop.
For this reason, it is better for us to direct our efforts on integrity, and not deal with everything that integrity yields anyway. Healthy integrity will produce thoughts and values that will lead to actions, which will do us and those around us good.
Integrity for Others
How does integrity for others looks like? As Chazal said, “That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow” – if my personal integrity says “People should not be late and keep me waiting”, why would you be late on someone else? Most people do not keep their promises fully. When you are being evaluated as a man, it is expected that you prove yourself trustworthy. Remember that “talk is cheap”.
I think the vast majority of people do not practice what they preach, so this feature is rare and critical in our society today. Not many “men of their word” around. It sounds simple, but it has extensive consequences on your life. Would you do business with someone who has already proved himself as not-completely-honest? Would you make commitment to a girl who’s known as a cheater?
A big part of being alpha is creating a coalition, entourage, alliance. If you are not the unifying element in the group, then people will either find another alpha male, or there will be no alliance at all. So it’s your job as an alpha male to be an anchor. Your word is iron, and if it’s not completely possible – you will do your best to prove to your environment that you’ve tried everything in your ability. Our entire society is built on a very high level of trust. Whoever belittles and violates this agreement, cannot lead and will not receive the title of Alpha.
A fish swimming with the current is a dead fish.
This is an amusing analogy, but there is a lot of truth to it, even on the physical level. I don’t want to kill the mood, but think for a moment about all the celebrities who’ve committed suicide, even though they apparently had everything. Money, women, fame. Everything a man can dream of. So what happened there? Why do people who have it so good, are prone to commit suicide? It is difficult to answer this question simply and I will not attempt to. But we can learn something very powerful from this: achievement doesn’t have long-term meaning. What does? The journey.
As long as you are on your way to some point – you’re anticipating, you’re busy, you learn, you grow. Call it “a meaning to life”, if you wish. An alpha male knows what he wants to accomplish, and he does what it takes to get it. No complaints. He’s on his way and he knows he’ll get there at some point.
You may have had periods when you were busy creating or building something (if not, ask yourself why). I’m sure you’ve felt the phrase “lost at work” firsthand. And I’m sure it felt good, too. This is the meaning of living the moment. Thoughts are busy on the here and the now. Your head is not fixated on regrets from the past or worries for the future. If you have already mused about the future in this context, it was probably to plan the continuation of your work – an inspiring action in itself.
Now it’s perfectly clear why setting goals and engaging in pursuing them is critical to your mental health as a man. But does it matter to those around you?
Quite surprisingly – yes. It matters very much. Naturally, I would not recommend you to ask girls what they want in a man (because what you will probably hear is not true), but have you ever seen what makes up a huge percentage of women’s demands from their potential man? Almost everything is about ambition. To grow and become more. Some say it very directly and some hint, sometimes without knowing. A busy, purposeful man is someone whose surroundings, noise, temptations – do not distract or confuse him. He does what he wants. No TV show, computer game, or beautiful woman will take him out of balance and prevent him from realizing himself and his goals. Pretty admirable, don’t you think?
An accusing finger is the most common tool of the weak. Of the beta males. If something goes wrong, the weak person will do everything to deflect the fire and avoid responsibility. But this is all the essence of being a beta: you are not responsible. And maybe it gives the beta some kind of cheap freedom. But those who are not responsible, cannot be the head of the team. Cannot lead the group. And that’s why he deserves no special treatment and a better life.
As an alpha male, it is expected of you (first and foremost from your side) to take responsibility for your erroneous actions, shortcomings and weaknesses. An alpha man, precisely for this reason, is tenfold more appreciated than the rest. The logic behind this appreciation is the security in the alpha. For three reasons:
- He’s honest. The environment is comfortable with a person who will not stab in the back, and will also agree to give him the lion’s share of the resources.
- When he doesn’t deal with spreading accusations, he has to consider the question “How to correct the situation?”. The surroundings immediately feel that it’s a person who wants their good and takes them all under his wing.
- He’s not afraid to focus the fire on him by taking responsibility. This is solid evidence that there’s no person in the world who can “punish” him or harm him for mistaking.
I think section C is especially important. There is an amazing contrast here: a blatant show of weakness (“I did it and I am sorry”) that’s actually an unshakeable demonstration of control in the group.
Responsibility is a tremendous quality both in your social life, as we have seen, and on a personal level. An alpha male always knows there’s something to be done. There’s a solution. And no one else has the duty to carry it out, except for me. I will mention an idea from the wonderful book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Responsible is derived from the words Response and Able. There is always the possibility to respond. Every situation, every circumstance. And the responsibility is solely in your hands.
Yes, also physical strength. Although we deal a lot with the alpha male’s mindset, it would be foolish to ignore the importance of physical strength. Even in our modern world. Like it or not, being out of shape hurts you in many ways, some of which are more hidden today than they were before the Industrial Revolution – but they are still here.
It’s important to note that when I say “strength”, I refer not only to muscular strength, but to the immunity and strength of your body to cope with stress at all levels. Our brain still functions quite animalistically. A woman who sees a physically strong man, responds sexually / hormonally. I’m not saying for a moment that you have Brad Pitt’s abs and physique in Fight Club to get a high-class girl. But since we’re dealing with qualities of an alpha male, it must be said.
A man whose body is weak (unhealthy, too skinny…) cannot protect his wife and children when a predator comes. You may be thinking now, “Come on, Oria, what about a gun? Nowadays you don’t need that physical strength”. But our brains do not work that way. Just like the way most men want a woman with an appearance that indicates health (although, with today’s science older women can still have healthy offspring), women want and feel safer with a man who seems strong and healthy.
Also, a man who improves his physical appearance (say, through working out or dieting), is a man with a purpose, ambition. Do you remember this point and how necessary it is to establish your status as an alpha male?
A more important matter is your health. To become and stay an alpha male you must function at your best. There’s no lack of studies that show a significant increase in cognitive abilities as a result of physical activity, both short and long term. Give yourself another advantage over all the couch potatoes that are hoping for the alpha life, but do not apply the minimum of the beta. Be better than that. You will not regret it.
I don’t care what people say or how they flip it: An introvert cannot be an alpha male. No question, end of story. Do you want to be an alpha and you’re an introvert? Start changing it immediately. At the beginning of my journey I did not give much importance to friendships, connections, etc. I was a little introvert myself. But the more I read and learned, the more I got a wider picture, and what can I say? I’d be happy if the idea of an alpha male was not up to society. But it is. We are very social creatures, much more than we are willing to admit.
The Alpha man will always have an alliance. The group needs a leader and a leader needs assistance, connections and community support. Think about it: If you do everything that an alpha male is supposed to do, but your friends don’t see you as one, are you really an alpha? In this group of friends – not really.
Therefore you must have good social skills. Not basic – but good. You can be rich, smart, with a fine sense of humor, immeasurably handsome; but if you can’t easily meet new people or keep in touch with existing ones – none of this will be enough.
Communication is one of the most important skills people have. Some will say THE most important. Build yourself a group of people by using healthy, open, sympathetic and warm communication. This is actually a nicer way of saying “Get some friends”.
I hope I’ve been able to give you clear definitions about the inspiring image of the human alpha. These are the 5 most significant traits that an alpha male has. As I’ve mentioned, in a simple browsing you will encounter a huge amount of “features” associated to an alpha male. But in my opinion it is much more important to give you a clear perception of what is behind an alpha that makes him develop these qualities in the first place. So it is not only easier to remember (and apply!) 5 basic features, but you can also truly understand the meaning of being a strong, attractive guy; and make your life and the life of those around you much better.