How to Deal with Conflicts
The alpha’s ability to prevent conflicts, maintain peace in the group, quickly stop quarrels and impose his authority – is one of the most important qualities a strong man has, which serves him, his family and friends well. If you’re a man who uses his status, his mental and rarely physical strength to make your environment better and more peaceful – you will be treated as an alpha male and, as a result, conflicts will become rare. How do you do that?
Prevent Conflicts in Advance
There’s no exaggeration in saying that at least 90% of all the conflicts you will encounter are under your control. Even if you don’t ignite them. We have a lot of power to influence emotions in people around us, especially when it comes to a fight (like with tango, it takes two).
A Calm Tone of Voice
Have you ever seen people fight calmly? Making harsh accusations against one another while their tone of voice remains as in ordinary conversation? It never happens! It makes me laugh even to think about such situation.
We can learn from this fact a critical principle in extinguishing conflicts with astonishing speed: To keep the fire of the conflict at bay, maintain a calm tone of voice. The one who starts the fight won’t be able to build his/her “argument” without a second person that will counter it. Using this attitude, you will take the wind out of the opponent’s sails, especially when the emotion that controls them is anger.
But it’s not always easy. Sometimes we forget this powerful technique. Other times we remember it, but our ego is so badly hurt by the content of what had been hurled at us, or even by the disgusting tone. After all, no one likes to be yelled at.
Since you are reading this, I assume that you have some constant encounters with conflicts in everyday life. So I want you to make enormous effort not to raise your decibels or change your neutral tone – no matter how hurt you feel. You will only gain from it, short and long term.
Why is this so important? Because before using the technique, you could end a conflict with shouts, curses and even violence – and it still wouldn’t be solved! Like in war, each side feels it has suffered too many casualties and hasn’t killed enough. Therefore, such conflicts usually continue on a regular basis.
Yet if once, twice max, you manage to speak in a calm tone to that person – he loses his daily dose from you. His rage is not nourished by you anymore and he has no other choice but to leave it alone.
Kill with Kindness
It’s very hard to get angry at someone who loves you and shows you affection. As written in Proverbs: “As in water the face is to face, so the heart of man to man”. This means that if you love a person, there’s a good chance he will love you back. And the same goes with hatred.
Imagine a person addressing you aggressively, and says something intended to hurt you. In response, you talk to him pleasantly, lovingly, asking him, “Dude, why are you angry? I love you and can’t see you like that“. Cringe-worthy, I know. But this is exactly what’s called “killing with kindness” – you leave those who oppose you without words. This person automatically becomes “the bad guy” in the situation: He’s disgusting and aggressive while you care about him and try to help. How long can such a thing last until the person calms down? Not much, be sure of it.
Important: Don’t fake it. Think about this person, and realize that if he has reached a state of fighting with you he probably feels desperate. He probably has no other solution in his toolbox – I mean, who likes to be angry and shout? Try to identify with him and find reasons to love him. That’s the only way you can really talk from the “better man” position. Otherwise, most people will see through bullshit, and hate you even more. And that’s not how you put off the fire. Try to understand him, try to be authentic with your love.
Sudden Coldness as a Precursor
In your everyday environment there will always be people whose communication is warmer or colder. Try to notice sudden changes in the “temperature” of their behavior. It’s so strong. You can put off conflicts this way before they’re even started.
If, for example, you have a colleague who regularly makes eye contact with a full smile when he says hello to you, and one day you notice that he didn’t do it this time. Assuming he wasn’t too busy or preoccupied with anything, as far as you know, that’s a good-enough reason to say another word and see if the cold attitude continues.
From here you can immediately ask if everything is all right, there’s nothing wrong with it. Still, I’d rather wait another day or two, and if there’s no improvement, ask him directly and warmly if everything’s okay. Usually, people’s ego will not let them open up so easily. He’ll probably answer “yes”. Don’t give up. Ask, “Are we okay? Did I do something wrong?”. See, when you’re specific with your question, you remove from him the responsibility to explain – and along with it, the task of stating his feelings. Now all he has left to say is “yes” and tell you what’s up.
And yet, half the times you will encounter a wall – he won’t open up and be honest. But the beauty here is how difficult it is to answer your last question with indifference and stay convincing. So he will probably invest more energy in the interaction, tell you that everything’s fine and that he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.
Of course, you can’t get information out of a person by force, so I end up with something like, “Okay, but if I hurt you, you’d tell me, right? I don’t want us to be on bad terms”. This is a great way to end a seemingly futile discussion. With such a conclusion, you give the cold person love, in case there is anger after all.
Many times it’ll be enough to show him that you care, and that if you did hurt – it wasn’t on purpose and you truly want to be on good terms. Because of the discreet nature of ego, it’s hard to say how many conflicts are avoided with this method. Probably quite a bit.
Understanding Where Conflicts Come from
There will be situations where all techniques of relaxation or prevention won’t help. If we remember that it’s human beings we’re talking about, we can understand what makes them aggressive, and calm things down. Here are some key reasons for starting conflicts and fights.
A lot of men growl more than they talk. It works for them in their natural environment and with their friends. But when it comes to heterogeneous places like school, work, etc., misunderstandings and broken communication are not a rare sight. This is simply macho behavior. Minimal use of words, constant intonation and the worst part – unwillingness to talk about feelings.
Now, don’t be mistaken, I’m the last to encourage “new age masculinity” – hyperemotional, high-sensitivity and so on. It’s not an alpha behavior, and it’s a turnoff for most women.
Still, ‘traditional’ extremism is also very problematic. If a man is unable to communicate clearly and express feelings other than anger, he directly harms himself, and indirectly harms his environment. I will carefully say that most conflicts are born of misunderstanding. Poor communication is the root of all misunderstandings in the world.
A strong, dominant man will experience a lot of aggression from men around him that come from jealousy. Typically, a situation will only involve micro-aggression or passive-aggressive behavior, since it’s threatening to be completely aggressive against a high-status male, an alpha.
The ultimate goal of such men is to press your buttons, to somehow take you out of balance. They know and you know it will not make you beta or make them alpha, but if they managed to get you out of balance in your response – they won.
If you experience conflicts that are, in your opinion, born of jealousy – remember that this is a compliment, first and foremost. Even if they don’t mean it. And from this insight about them, you can start using the technique I talked about above – killing with kindness.
The alpha male is naturally very social and says whatever’s on his heart. It’s quite possible that from time to time he’ll say things that offend certain people. Take this into consideration during your journey to be an alpha male, you have responsibility for your statements.
You should talk with the people you might’ve hurt. Because with all due respect to being a dominant, unrestrained man, there are people around you in a social group – and no one likes having his dignity crushed. Alpha speaks freely, but peace and cohesion are just as important to him.
How basic and simple, yet extremely common. People are irritable when they are hungry – not an amazing discovery, of course. Still, for some reason, we don’t give hunger the respect it deserves when we talk about moods.
This is the kind of situation in which the solution is under your nose: Try asking the person (preferably by the way) who creates the conflict if he wants to go eat something with you. In most cases this will suffice, because it’ll alert him to the fact that he’s hungry, and he’ll understand the problem in his behavior and its source – without you ever blaming him.
In situations where you are two not close enough and offering a shared meal is unaccepted (a boss, for example), you can say in a balanced tone of voice: “Hey, you know what? I’m irritable because I haven’t eaten yet, let’s talk after that and I’ll be calmer?”. Notice that I wrote “I’m irritable / hungry”, not “you”. In formal situations, telling a person that he’s mad because he must be hungry is considered rude. Because to a certain extent, you told him, “You talk nonsense, eat something, pull yourself together and try again”. Very disrespectful. So you’re better-off lying a bit and saying you are the one who’s hungry. Your statement should awaken him to his hunger and the anger that comes with it, without pointing to it yourself. And even if it didn’t – the very fact that you’ve quickly stopped the fire by taking responsibility, will be enough to calm things down anyway.
Sometimes, even in our everyday environment, we will meet people who are not mentally well. You can probably think of some of these people you occasionally meet on the street, at the gym or at work.
In some cases the mental problem is translated into aggression, and such people always seek the next victim to fight with. Not necessarily through physical violence (these find themselves in a mental asylum very quickly), but with arguments and shouting. Which sometimes also worsen into physical violence if happen to find someone who’s cooperative and angry enough.
All the techniques I’ve presented above can help here, but it depends very much on the severity of the mental issue. In severe cases (inability to communicate properly) it’s better to ignore the person completely, as if he doesn’t exist.
Respond to Violence like an Alpha
So far, I’ve suggested that you use calm, sociable responses to conflicts, in order to extinguish the anger before it develops into a raging fire. A reader who’s unfamiliar with the blog can get the impression that it’s a fear of quarrels, violence. We know better, and I want to talk about the meaning of being an alpha male in an aggressive situation.
Know How to Fight – and Avoid at All Costs
If you learn martial arts, I’m convinced that this principle isn’t foreign to you. Serenity and control over the situation isn’t possible when you’re not prepared for the worst (in our case, physical violence). It’s also impossible if you seek to prove that you know how to fight.
The obvious conclusion is that a strong man must know how to protect himself and those close to him. This is quite intuitive, and I think there’s no need for further explanations.
However, a strong man must maintain a safe distance from physical violence, especially in our modern world. If you’ve reached a situation where you fist-fight even though you had a real possibility to avoid – you’re on the losing side. I don’t care if you broke his jaw and he apologized while bowing down to you. You are now at risk of going to jail, paying compensation, getting shot and who knows what else? Do not even get near using your fists, let people call you a coward for the rest of your life – you’re better off this way. It’s just not worth the risk. An alpha male never hurts his and the group’s interests, certainly not because some idiot is teasing him.
Keeping Your Honor
It may be difficult for you to accept the possibility of getting insulted, called a coward and going out of the situation as “weak”. I completely understand you. The situation becomes even more irritating when you are physically strong or when you’re pretty good at fighting. The lack of using your knowledge and power, plus the insults, creates a powerful temptation to get violent for every man.
To get the best out of such situation, I suggest you turn to the person who’s provoking you and say to him, “Do you know why I won’t fight you? Because then I’ll end up in jail. You will end up in jail. We’ll pay each other tons of money, destroy our future – and for what? Not solving this like adults. So call me a coward – but I don’t need this kind of shit in my life. I suggest the same to you”.
With these words, not only will the people watching realize that you’re the stronger one, but you’ll also remind yourself well why this is a bad idea. The logic will shake you up and you won’t make a mistake you’ll regret. You prevail in both worlds – keeping your honor, and acting wisely.
One of the main goals of the alpha is to maintain harmony in his society. To achieve this, he will do almost anything to avoid violence when conflicts arise, between members of the group and against him personally. He prefers the use of words and authority to calm things down, rather than by using physical force. Nevertheless, such a man is also physically strong and able to use his fists when there’s no other choice, in order to protect himself and his loved ones.
With this understanding, I suggested several ways to calm conflicts right when they’re born, even beforehand. Most are built on the assumption that it takes two to tango. If you don’t give an angry counter to the person in front of you, he won’t be able to take his aggression to more extreme venues, like violence.
To deepen (and improve your response), I’ve dedicated a major part for aggression in people, and ways to approach and resolve them with zero anger and aggression on your part.
Finally, it was important to touch upon the few remaining cases in which hostility and conflict didn’t go down, and you were unable to prevent the quarrel from reaching violent districts.
I hope this article has given you the tools to respond wisely to conflicts in wherever you find yourself being tested for your patience and ability to maintain order. Always remember that the essence of an alpha male is his well-being and the good of the group. Violence can be avoided in 99% of cases by the strong communication and authority that’s so typical to an alpha. It’s in your hands, my friend, but still – keep them in your pockets.